Before it’s with me
a calm, enchanting
consuming, granting
an inner peace
something within me

I can only hope you’ll understand
when I take you by the hand
and beg you’ll stay with me today
before I’m forced to kneel and pray
for the help I don’t deserve
I’ll ask myself why I had the nerve
and plea again for a warm embrace
in this sad and empty place
Won’t you fill the missing space?
I need you to
I need you to

See with your mind’s eye
all that’s inside
I can’t stay this way
I can’t stay this way

Please just see through me
See who I can be
But it’s too much to ask
I’m going way too fast

I can only hope you’ll understand
when I take you by the hand
because I need it before I burst
when filling up with all the worst
parts of me I’m good at hiding
but will you be there when I’m crying?
Let’s stay inside
please stay inside
I need you to
I need you to

I can only hope I’ll understand
when I take you by the hand
that I’m not asking for love
I don’t know what I’m thinking of
I’m just wishing for a friend
who could bring this to an end
this endless, torturous night
maybe I could win the fight
if you were fighting with me
I’m hoping you will agree
because I need you to
I need you to

My endless hopefulness
gets me in such a mess
but it will do
It needs to
I need you

Because my insecurities mask me
I’m a faceless stranger to myself
When I let it all get the best of me
I seem to become someone else

Like the dark covers the light
and my days are condemned by night
But the stars that used to shine so bright
are slowly losing the fight

I’m only losing who I am
in a steady stream, like time measured by sand
I’m watching time pass by fast
while I am in slow motion
this quick sand,  it tugs and rips at my hands
so it hurts to breathe
and it’s easy to sink
and the most foreign thing in the world is to think

And to write and feel
as if any of this were real
let my obsessions tie ropes to my heart again
so they can pull tight and make it hard to love again
to shatter than bury,  shatter than bury
all that meant anything

I’ll stay at this peak
this high point, before I slowly sink
with or without you
I never meant to doubt you
but sometimes you pull on my strings
so that you are suffocating me
and I want to do is be free

But I like the idea that things are all around
that I can be invisible within a crow
that when I am here I can really stand out
it gives me the fantasy that all is safe and sound

your pretty pictures hang on your walls
in the comfort of this couch
in the comfort of this room
I can stare at them forever
without contemplating what soon will consume
all of us in flames
and what of us will remain?
when all is said and done

I like the features of your face
that your sharp angles turn into soft angles
and all the tangles of your hair
are beautiful in themselves
that light can change everything
and dark can change everything
and that stability is an illusion
in itself

that there can be answers to some questions
and that there are no answers to others
but I can come up with solutions
that don’t make any sense

and it’s okay to get by
pretending I’m not pretending
or not knowing if I’m pretending at all
I can feel big or I can feel small
and I can crush myself before anyone else can crush me
why give them a chance?

I can have confidence
or I can lose confidence
or I can fake confidence
or I can be vulnerable

And I can be real, or I can be fake
Sometimes the line gets blurred
but in the end I think I’m really okay
if I need someone to tell me, sure

And I can be crazy
or I can be sane
They are both parts of me
and I can be poetic
or I can be plain
I guess I’ll just have to wait and see

I let myself believe
that something here is strong
But you are weak, and I am weak
Our frailness is our bond

But we pick up, and we fall back down
It’s a constant cycle
Of feeling past and feeling now
There is always something to keep us on the ground

I’m on top of the world
or I’m wallowing on the floor
What can I say for myself?
I’m just another girl

I’m just a whisper
A feather in the winds
An inconsequential star in the sky
One of your daily sins

I’m tainted, I’m innocent
I’m scarred, I’m soft
I wallow in ignorance
Of what is and what’s not

There are people who hold me up
but they also break me
See the truth is, I am not tough
I’m only faking

Your silent stares
they break through all of my shelter
I’m just searching for someone who cares
who will get me through all this bad weather

But you will tear me apart
And that’s the reality
and I will tear you apart
but I’ll just have to let it be

I say, Love can grow in this empty place
I’ll tend to it with sunshine
I’ll see a smile grow on your face
I long to see it all the time

I let myself believe
that something here is strong
But you are weak, and I am weak
Our frailness is our bond

But we pick up, and we fall back down
It’s a constant cycle
Of feeling past and feeling now
There is always something to keep us on the ground

You only break her
you only maim her
slowly, like a cigarette
She’ll never see it coming
until her heart is black and crippled

And yet, when you walk into the room
My face burns
my eyes shine
My smile widens

I long for you to look at me
but then I look away
I wish for you to smile at me
but then I get too shy
I want you only to notice me
my heart hurts that that will never be true
I stick with my fantasies

When you laugh with me, or at me, that’s okay too
I get happy
Happiness builds inside of me
I hate it. I hate you.

Hate hate hate
love love love
Are they all the same?
Either way I’m forced to care in some way

I’m tortured
I’m beraggled
I’m torn at the seams
Only to get nothing from you
You feel nothing for me

I’m little
in existance
In your cubical of a world
But I’m small
and I’m sad
And you are a star in my sky
My wide, expanding sky
You are one of the brightest

So let your angry, little red light shine
I don’t know why it helps
but it does
I can hate you
or I can love you
It’s melding into one anyway
I think I’ll keep it like that

don’t notice the reasons I’ve failed
to keep up with all the latest things
there’s only a few times I’ve left
confused and empty with this

you make me want to sing like a bird
my heart only falters slightly
when you speak your lovely words
you can make me shine more brightly

the times I’ve fallen I’ve been caught
in the arms of a restless stranger
someone not quite strong enough
to keep me out of the constant danger

but maybe it’s time I’ve started to fight
for the right of living and breathing at the same time
I’ll keep up with you on your left side
cause the right sides the better half of me

you make me want to bring people back to life
with a joyful outcry
you make me need to forget my past times
and I’m starting to not worry about wondering why

there’s only a short time here with you
and then I’m sure I will forget you again
but every time I see you
I feel a longing I haven’t felt since when

I last looked in your eyes
a look of amour or a look of despise
I could not tell
but still you make me want to sing

you make me want to sing
sing a happy song
sing to you a happy song
I’ll sing to you a happy song

In our make-believe actions
we forget our reactions
as the ball keeps on rolling
Though the pain never fades

I hope that maybe you will
get through this like I never could
I’m glued to the wall
but maybe you could find a solution
We’re sick, we’re fighting a disease
your love brings me down to my knees
I’m only begging you please
To just let it all go

The smiles on our faces
are begging to be real
I thought that maybe for just one moment
you could teach me how to feel

Something more than distress
and get me out of this mess
that I’ve put myself in
though I believe I have yet to begin

I hope that maybe you will
get through this like I never could
I’m glued to the wall
but maybe you could find a sulution
We’re sick, we’re fighting a disease
your love brings me down to my knees
I’m only begging you please
To just let it all go

Let it go
Let me know
when your face becomes unpainted
and your legs no longer hurt
from all the running away
from everything, everything I ever say
I want you, I want you to know
I’ll see you when we’ve all let go

I hope that maybe you will
get through this like I never could
I’m glued to the wall
but maybe you could find a solution
We’re sick, we’re fighting a disease
your love brings me down to my knees
I’m only begging you please
To just let it all go

There’s never really any music to put to my words
I think a paintbrush might better fit the mood
I never considered myself an artist
but maybe it’s time to color a blank page
I think I’d just end up pulling out the black
because I like the idea of something so plain
yet all the time I paint myself as strange and abstract

I cry for the things that really exist
I cry for the things that aren’t really there
I feel while not feeling
Sometimes I pretend I drown when I’m not drowning

I don’t want to sink into anything that will only make it worse
but rather sink my teeth into something deliciously sane
Nothing sweet, nothing bitter
But completely and totally neutral

I find no more need for actually explaining things to myself
Why not just accept and pretend I am innocent?
Because knowing too much is like knowing everything
and knowing everything is like seeing nothing at all

There are so many things to do here
but much more to do there
In this place there are many things to be afraid of
But in the unknown we never beware

So I’ll take off my shoes
and let down my hair
And let the breeze lift me
right into the air
This required existence
will surround me no more
My feet will keep running till I’m up off the floor
Till the rain no longer pours
till I’ve reached the very core

Till the sand is in between my toes
and I desire no longer
I’ll know what everyone else knows
and I’ll be so much stronger

For my required existence
only lingers in the stars
I can see it in the distance
But to reach, it is too far

Visions through my mind
wondering what your kisses taste like
and panicking at the thought
that I may never know
I wanted to reach out and feel the warmth of your face against my cold fingers
and I wonder if it is the frozen winter breeze or your features that take my breath away

I long for you to say the fateful three words
that boys and girls tell eachother before they know what it means
So this perfect moment can be ruined
by too much of a risk
For a flashlight to peer through the trees
that will bring us back to reality
Before my heart breaks
because you don’t say anything

As your fingers entwine with mine
I tell you one last time
that it’s only over if you never wait

And that shine in your eyes
like the moon in wintertime
slowly dissolves away

Because the moment where everything feels so real in young hearts
Always ends up as a lie
And the only savior from regret
is realizing the truth
before it escapes